I Love You

In light of recent events, I was in midst of conversation with someone whose opinion I (thought) I valued considerably.

Mental Illness does not discriminate– not gender, not race, not socioeconomic status, not nada. To believe one is above all else [successful people] over I would assume the antonym of which, it is paramount we reflect why it is that even with all the recourses in the world, people still find the need to exit on their terms.

Wondering why “successful” people die by suicide is like saying money can cure suicidal actions.

I wish it were the case, as I have had every. single. opportunity. to receive treatment, medication, therapy, hospital stays, above all else, a wonderful family, which did not prevent me from trying to take my own life. I speak about this now because now more than ever we need to look and dissect the way we treat people who have struggles with their mental health.

I can tell you, waking up on a ventilator in ICU post suicide attempt is probably the single most terrifying experience I have had. It doesn’t make me lesser of a person and does not equate to successfulness. Successful people are not immune.

To die by suicide is a very tragic thing. To have attempted and to live to tell the tale is the greatest gift. To have friends who saved my life, to have family who stood by my side, to have recourses available to me at all times, and yet to still feel so empty, such a burden, and so incredibly overwhelmed is simple proof that the way we are treating depression (etc.) isn’t working.

I called 911 the other day, a friend notified me she had taken an overdose. I found her location, called the paramedics, and yes she is ok, but I’m here to promise you one thing:

I love you enough for you to hate me forever.



Support American Foundation for Suicide Prevention here:

Arterial Venus Malformation…?

“Wow, an AVM!!!” The vascular surgeon proclaimed as I sat in my emergency department room. “Look! Look!” She was obviously amused and slightly baffled, I lost her voice almist my racing thoughts. A what? “And you’ll need to be seen at UCSF immediately”. (As if that’s a thing). My something cool suddenly turned to something scary.

Ever since I was young I had excruciating left leg pain. Pediatricians and doctors wrote it off as growing pains, though the pain did not dissapaite when I stopped growing, in fact, it continued to worsen, though unsure if masked by a torn meniscus at age 12. However, lucky for me I guess the MRI that showed the tear when I was 12 also showed vascular abnormalities which sent me to UCSF’s vascular anomalies clinic when I was 13 to be studied by a good handful of doctors who still had little clue about the Venus malformation or what to do with it then, and was told to keep an eye on it.

Back to present day. We are not without hope.

2 1/2 years ago I went to the ER for what I thought was a DVT. My leg, about twice its normal size, had a pea shaped knot protruding from the crevice of the knee or the “poplitial fossa” area. I went in and they discovered the AVM through diagnostic imaging of an ultrasound, x-rays, and Ct-angiogram. Now I’m back under the supervision of outstanding doctors, and while unfortunately we are at a standstill with me being on Eloquis (there’s not much surgery wise to fix it we can do while I’m on it) I have hope we’re on the right track for me to lead a less painful life.


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